You can't get this far into a university degree, let alone a film degree, and not wonder what you're going to do after or to an extent, if it has even been worth it. I feel like I've been questioned so many times, "so what are you going to do when you graduate" and unsure all I can ever say is, "find a job?".
The decision to be here was an easy one. To be honest I don't remember thinking about it all that hard, and as things had been up to then it's easy to say that I was just moving with the current. I looked up a few schools, decided Regina was a decent choice and after a few months and papers signed I was sitting in class. The reality of what I'm doing has only really sunk in within the last year. It's tough to be carefree and lost in the experience as you start planning for completion; worrying about taking the first real unknown step on your own.
All of this has left me questioning things more than ever, and as I try to put everything into perspective and context I'm wondering if the dream career in film is really possible (or more respectively, a job that I'm not going to hate).
Yes, these are largely natural growing pains. Everyone must go through this, right? But, as I've understood that I can be overly nostalgic about things, I hate to think about losing this part of my life. I don't want to be trapped for anything; it's half the appeal of the filmmaker life style, the variety and project to project jobs (see the similarity to being in university?).
Being a film student, especially here, has been full of contradictions and confusion. Like a university experience should be though, it's also been full of self discovery. I've learned a lot, but it's cultural in nature and doesn't feel like hard proof of what I'm capable of. I've developed a nice portfolio of work, although much of what I pride myself on was created outside of school. If I could package my whole experience, I'm not sure it would point to anything specific and at best just asserts, "Yes, I like making movies". Is that really enough?
These are a large collection of thoughts that sit in the back of my mind, and generally I just let them wash over. In so many ways things just find their place . . . at least it seems to be the thing we all tell ourselves. Overall, I guess I break it down to one thing: to be a film student is to have a legitimate and acceptable badge to accompany the work I do and support the reason why I am where I am.
My fear is not so much about taking a step into the unknown, but it's about being the guy who is struggling to make it (the university struggle is more socially acceptable). I decided at 12 this is what I wanted, and I can't think of anything that could make me turn that desire off. Sometimes I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment, and at the same time, when a project goes well or a festival accepts it's the greatest high. It seems like more of a risk than other degrees perhaps, and maybe the reward or potential could be greater because of it, but really, no answer will satisfy my own curiosity or convince me that doing all this wasn't the right choice to begin with. So am i scared? I guess enough to just keep at it. It's the best conclusion I can come to, and with that, maybe it's just enough to bring out my optimism and believe things can only get better.
I doubt this will be the last post like this as my university days fade, but hopefully you can relate in some way, and maybe support or deny my thoughts on this slow transition.
I made the photo collage below last year as a simple gift to give to friends who were finishing/or very near finishing their degrees. It shows the various locations of the university, and as I mentioned to those I gave it to, it will probably gain a lot more meaning years down the road as things change and you want to remember what it looked like then. For those of you who haven't been it's probably just a bunch of buildings, but I can attest from my time here, that this place has started to symbolize a whole lot more.
Photo Collage: University of Regina (Spring 2006)