One of the things that really struck me after watching so many different movies leading up to the Oscars was how many different types of filmmakers there are. It's a broad field I know, but stick with me. Especially with the speeches you could sense how everyone had been pursuing that moment, to win an Oscar as a form of validation. Somehow things had come together and they'd fulfilled a childhood ambition.
I'm always giving myself a hard time about enjoying where I'm at, while forcing myself to keep an eye on what I want to achieve ahead. It's more frustrating now than it was just a few years ago, because for maybe the second or third time in my entire life I can honestly say that I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to move, I don't know if I want different jobs, I don't know if I want a serious relationship. All I can say is that I want improvement or growth of some kind. I also really want to feel that sense of achievement again. The kind where you really surprise yourself.
The funny thing is that where I'm at now would've been a dream come true four years ago when I was still in film school. The differences are huge, and I'm proud of that. But I also felt the pressure back then to make something happen. Now it's more a debate over becoming too comfortable.
Reading all of these articles about filmmakers, actors, and editors over the last few weeks, it's not the work I'm envious of - it's the stories. I feel like I need to find myself in the middle of a good one right about now. I need a refresh but I'm not quite sure where to begin.