Feb 29, 2012
One of the things that really struck me after watching so many different movies leading up to the Oscars was how many different types of filmmakers there are. It's a broad field I know, but stick with me. Especially with the speeches you could sense how everyone had been pursuing that moment, to win an Oscar as a form of validation. Somehow things had come together and they'd fulfilled a childhood ambition.
I'm always giving myself a hard time about enjoying where I'm at, while forcing myself to keep an eye on what I want to achieve ahead. It's more frustrating now than it was just a few years ago, because for maybe the second or third time in my entire life I can honestly say that I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to move, I don't know if I want different jobs, I don't know if I want a serious relationship. All I can say is that I want improvement or growth of some kind. I also really want to feel that sense of achievement again. The kind where you really surprise yourself.
The funny thing is that where I'm at now would've been a dream come true four years ago when I was still in film school. The differences are huge, and I'm proud of that. But I also felt the pressure back then to make something happen. Now it's more a debate over becoming too comfortable.
Reading all of these articles about filmmakers, actors, and editors over the last few weeks, it's not the work I'm envious of - it's the stories. I feel like I need to find myself in the middle of a good one right about now. I need a refresh but I'm not quite sure where to begin.