I have no whims to pursue this new year. 2008 is going to signify the end of a chapter in one way or another, and in that, it's too important to be left up to chance or wishing. If I expect to make something of myself, by this time next year I'll have either concluded my lengthy and overdrawn stay at university with a degree, or I'll have just moved on from this experience altogether to take my shot in film without that piece of paper. There's really no sugar coating it anymore; in every way I need to move on.
Last semester was a waste. I stalled with my mini-meltdown and for the first time in my 6 year university career I questioned what I was doing and who I was doing it for. Nothing has been solved with any certainty, but at least the last few months have given me piece of mind and the resolve to tell myself that I'm in control, and that I can point myself in any direction I choose. Although it may sound a bit strange, I actually needed that time to remind myself that regardless of what I do I'm going to be taking big chances at this stage in my life. It's terrifying, but I can hide or I can do something, and every part of my consciousness is telling me to push play already.
If I'm not happy though I'm going to have to take charge and make it right for myself. This notion that I was acting in the interest of what others expected of me didn't work for anyone. No one cared what I was doing, but I can see now that I was assuming that it was safe to pussyfoot through my education and somehow things would work out. It's like I've been standing in line for a roller coaster all this time, thinking that by reading about how it was built and whatnot I'd get closer to the front of the line or get a better seat or something. You probably enjoy the ride more when you know more about it, but with that roller coaster directly in front of you it seems so much better to just push your way to the front and jump on. Sometimes the ride is the experience. I guess what I'm saying is that I can see my choices, and they may both lead to the exact same destination. In either case I have to want to get there. I understand now that my motivation, passion, ambition, and so on, aren't just going to be found one morning when I wake up, but with a bit of work I can really nurture those skills and enjoy the ride I want to take (despite the time it took to get there).
So many friggin' lessons my head hurts. Happy New Year folks! I'm really looking forward to what 2008 brings. It's going to be one big great stressful rewarding terrifying year!